Tekken: Blood Vengeance, not worth a review

Tekken Blood Vengeance is the latest film adaptation of the Tekken fighting game series. created by a combination of the team that worked on the last two games and distributed by Namco Bandai Blood Vengeance looked like it could have righted the wrongs of the video game films that came before it.

Having just returned from the US opening a “special” one night event I am here to tell you, they missed the mark.

Tekken blood vengeance will be one of those movies that Gamers buy upon it’s Blu Ray release for the inclusion of the Teken Tag Tournament bonuses but the actual film gets relegated to drinking nights as a hilarious background distraction. I don’t feel as though I am overstepping the mark when I say that the English dub of Blood Vengeance is the single worst dialogue massacre I have had the privilege to witness. Gems that set the entire audience into uncontrollable laughter include:

“I was on the bench and he ended up right on top of me!. . . . It happened so fast!”

And a line coming from Shin Kamiya upon being united with Heihachi, Kazuya and Jin, that is perhaps destined to enter the unintentionally gay hall of fame:

“You want my body. . I will unleash the demon inside of you. . . . . . . . . .   I’ll take you both on, but I know I won’t last long.”

There were more too, things that the original Japanese language track couldn’t have saved, the complete lack of quality fight sequences being the worst offender, there were only really two hand to hand combat sequences in the whole film, the first being the opening sequence between Nina and Anna which ultimately led nowhere and the second being a 3 way free for all fought by Jin, Kazuya and Heihachi which between the frenetic pace, the unnecessary over-editing and the poorly implemented 3D was so visually confusing that it became joyless. The other action sequences were dominated by the jet boosted android antics of Alyssa and a bafflingly out of place “Epic” showdown between Jin and Kazuya in their devil forms. All punctuated by what I could only assume to be a wildly misplaced Godzilla homage.

No this isn’t the Tekken movie fans were hoping for, this was an exercise in the worst kind of Shojo Manga high-school melodrama with the tiniest of glimpses at what could have been an enjoyable actioner. Unbelievably coming from the people that built the game on which it’s based Tekken Blood Vengeance missed the point in grand fashion. Thankfully you need not worry about avoiding it as it won’t be released again until November but if you wanted to know whether or not to look forward to it? you have your answer.

If you want to watch a film that actually succeeds at being a Martial Arts movie in this day and age, check out Undisputed III

-Expatriategamer

Black Ops on the green > Annihilation DLC

The next (possibly last?)  Call of Duty Black Ops DLC was officially announced this morning, after an earlier leak. 4 new multiplayer maps and yet another zombies environment for your murderous competitive enjoyment.

The maps coming this month have been discussed at length and detailed else where so allow me to chime in on something less vital to the run of the mill fan than size and choke points but something I think is far more important. Atmosphere.

Seen in the trailer below one of  Treyarch’s goals for this map pack is to be more visually dramatic than their previous outlays and from the released footage and screenshots? they’re succeeding admirably.

here is a visual breakdown of my 3 standouts from that trailer.

Hangar 18:

An homage to Area 51; Hangar 18 is a concrete laden, industrial looking level with the same grey tones we are used to from maps like Grid and Launch but with a couple of flamboyant differences. The main area, the hangar, houses an SR-71 Blackbird as it’s multi tiered centrepiece, SR-71s are good to look at on any day but as the focal point of a level like this it’s a nice touch, they were the height of technology in the 60’s after all. On the more fanciful side of things you can see an interactive Arc-reactor like Sci Fi generator room, likely below the main hangar area, it’s a nice change from the habitually bland offerings usually found in Call of Duty maps.

Hazard:

An apparent homage/reimagining of Cliffside from World at War (after the leap forward taken by Cod4 I just couldn’t get excited about a WWII setting again) Hazard is a Resort/Golf course mash up that is easily the most enticing looking map I have seen from a game developer for a long time, with the tongue in cheek colourful nature we usually find in fan made maps. Hazard is verdent fairways, lush foliage, rolling hills and gaudy signage. Unlike Treyarch I never thought of a Golf course as a killing field but the idea of looking out across the green through the scope of an SVD? sounds like a uniquely amusing experience to me.

Shangri-la:

The next entry in the Black Ops zombies mode, a pretty exciting addition from Treyarch. Shangri-la; Often thought of as a reference to the mythical spiritual city of Tibetan lore known as Shambalah this is a huge departure from what we have seen up to this point. Ancient carved temples, soft inviting skies, lush tropical overgrowth, pristine waters flowing from miniature pools all a backdrop to the defence of your comrades from the blood-letting horde of undead. Juxtaposition like this works great in zombie fiction, the corruption of the pure as it were. There is also a distinctive Indiana Jones feeling from this map, bamboo spike traps and mine cart coaster rides through what looks (at a glance) like an archaeological set up. We don’t just see a departure in the environment art here either, mask wearing ghouls, monkey zombies and robe clad female undead will be coming for your brains in Shangri-la, not to mention a very ominous burning corpse seen above.

New, original ideas from Treyarch this late after the game has been released is a refreshing change, and it may even be worth the $15 it costs you to get in. we’ll find out on June 28th

Via Gamespot>

-Expatriategamer

Age of Conan going free to play

Age of Conan, the Cimmerian MMO that has met with limited success since it’s rocky launch in 2008 is adding a new business model to it current subscription method, the details are sparce at the moment but we are definitely looking at a free to play  option to be coming this summer, likely along side the Conan the Barbarian reboot (that’s a whole other post) details on the upcoming free mode and movie tie in content can be read after the jump.

Having played DAoC, WoW and WAR in the past and currently playing RIFT I have a certain soft spot for Modern MMO’s and being an avid fan of the original Robert E Howard fiction, I jumped at Age of Conan when it was first released. I have come and gone since then, but this new announcement has me excited to tread the jeweled thrones of Aquilonia beneath my sandled feet once more.

Age of Conan free to play!

Conan the Barbarian movie tie in

 

-Expatriategamer

A man from another time, Duke Nukem Forever

First things first, there was no way this was ever going to live up to the hype, we all knew that and I like to hope most had tempered their expectations accordingly, some things however cannot be attributed to unrealistic expectations.

Duke Nukem Forever (abbr. DNF, often used to shorten Did Not Finish, no irony lost on me there.) could have and damn well should have been a fun and funny, self deprecating, nostalgic romp to gaming’s storied past, as vapid but enjoyable as The Expendables. Had DNF been developed in the last couple of years, that may well have been the case. However having now played portions of the game on both 360 and PC, I assure you it’s just the opposite.

Like an old man at the most popular club in town trying to pick up young girls with the same come-ons he was using in 1981, DNF is out of it’s league. There are many things wrong here but the most glaring is it’s opinion of itself. Unbelievably DNF actually takes itself too seriously. trying to walk the line between evoking the adolescent giggles of it’s past while still being offensive, all you end up with is interactive urination and triple, lactating alien breasts. . . yeah. . .

There really isn’t much more to say, Duke’s once memorable one liners have been reduced to a gimmick that is more embarrassing than it is funny, but awful as the setting and attitude may be, if the underlying game was good enough it would have likely served to lift those aspects out of the mire. As it is however, beyond a very fleeting glimpse of enjoyable action, the core game mechanics just don’t cut it, the shooting feels canned and awkward, your opponents wooden and threatless, the pacing. . . . non-existent, it’s as though the list of “Things the Fans wanted out of a Duke Nukem Sequel” somehow  got mixed up with “10 things not to put in your Action Game” everything from imposing “realistic” weapons restrictions (you can only carry two at a time) to a needlessly punishing underwater level.

I understand the impetus for finishing DNF but the whole project just screams: “Too many hands in the pot!” Gearbox Software and 3D Realms would have saved a lot of face had they let DNF die with dignity.

Duke Nukem is a man from another time and Duke Nukem Forever does nothing to soften his transition from 1996 to 2011

-Expatriategamer

Wii me and Wii U

The pre-E3 Wii 2 announcement hype was discovered to be accurate after Nintendo’s E3 press conference earlier, the cornerstone of their presentation being the first solid details of the Wii successor console, unbelievably named, the Wii U.

Coming in hot is the potentially revolutionary Tablet/Handheld/Touch Screen/Control pad hybrid pictured above. Slated to be a new way of interacting with the console TV experience it’s primary functions and uses can be seen at length by following the links below. Interesting though that info may be I wanted to use this space to voice an initial concern of mine with how the new tabletpad is going to figure into your next Nintendo gaming experience.

Firstly a little clarification: I consider this Nintendo’s current gen console. It finally has HD video out, decent graphical chops (although lack of details on the exact hardware and the diminutive size of the console would lead me to believe that said chops won’t end up exceeding the competition) and a fully formed network service, this just feels like Nintendo have finally caught up rather than begun the next wave of Console hardware.

What I don’t understand is why Nintendo is making such an effort to bring it’s fan base out of the experience of actually playing it’s games, I consider the ideal multi-screen situation to have been solved by PC gaming quite some time ago; two or more monitors of similar size, oriented however you choose, admittedly PC gaming has not taken as much advantage of this as they could, MMOs allowing maps, inventory screens, status’ and chat logs as floating HUD items movable to other screens for instance, would be fantastic. The reason that this works so well is because you have your workspace (the monitors) and your input devices (mouse, keyboard, game pad, tablet etc.) separate from one another, making it easy to focus on your output without having to look in your lap every 30 seconds to make sure you’re hitting the right buttons.

Between the Kinect and now the Wii U (is that name really as awful as I think it is?) we have multiple options of focusing less on being immersed in our games and more on how to execute commands. In short the idea of dividing my attention between a poorly laid out, overly large secondary screen and my TV doesn’t sound like a way to increase my enjoyment or elevate the experience of playing the games I love.

Like putting glasses on to watch a movie at the cinema, the Wii U comes off as just another obstacle in between my mind and the space marine, effeminate swordsman, silent soldier or grizzled cowboy I’m trying to play.

Until I get hands on time with one of these in a home environment (or until Metal Gear Solid U is announced) I’ll stick with my TV and gamepad thanks.

Check out the Nintendo Presscon and Gamespot’s Wii U details

-Expatriategamer

Good news, Death has a new name

And the name is Absolution.

I had intended to start this, my little slice of web with a self serving delicatessen of why’s and whofors explaining who I am and what I intend to do here. Then Hitman: Absolution was announced, so frankly I now have more important things to talk about.

After IO Interactives rather inexplicable focus on the Kane & Lynch games for the past few years I wasn’t expecting any solid details on a new Hitman title any time soon, fortunately with the release of the teaser trailer below, I was pleasantly surprised.

Rattle snake coiled ’round the signature Silverballer? yup, I like where this is headed. I want to envision this as a well thought out symbolic representation of the next chapter in 47’s story, but it is more likely that someone thought it looked damn cool.

They were right.

Tore Bylstad (The Director of Absolution) said in an announcement earlier in the week “For the first time we are taking Agent 47 on a personal journey which allows us to explore other parts of the Hitman fantasy, This is both a familiar and yet significantly different experience from other Hitman games; something our silent assassins will relish, as will all those new to the Hitman world.”

The guy gets extra points for referring to me as a “silent assassin” hopefully that was a reference to the 2002 game and its more philospohical tone. If so, I am onboard.
I haven’t heard anything definitive yet regarding whether or not this will be the final installment of the Hitman saga, absolution would seem to suggest that there isn’t much more to be done once the story in this game comes to an end but who knows, if it sells like hot cakes we may have a new beginning for the escapades of Agent 47, It’s early days but I am excited to see how this comes along.

-Expatriategamer