Tekken: Blood Vengeance, not worth a review

Tekken Blood Vengeance is the latest film adaptation of the Tekken fighting game series. created by a combination of the team that worked on the last two games and distributed by Namco Bandai Blood Vengeance looked like it could have righted the wrongs of the video game films that came before it.

Having just returned from the US opening a “special” one night event I am here to tell you, they missed the mark.

Tekken blood vengeance will be one of those movies that Gamers buy upon it’s Blu Ray release for the inclusion of the Teken Tag Tournament bonuses but the actual film gets relegated to drinking nights as a hilarious background distraction. I don’t feel as though I am overstepping the mark when I say that the English dub of Blood Vengeance is the single worst dialogue massacre I have had the privilege to witness. Gems that set the entire audience into uncontrollable laughter include:

“I was on the bench and he ended up right on top of me!. . . . It happened so fast!”

And a line coming from Shin Kamiya upon being united with Heihachi, Kazuya and Jin, that is perhaps destined to enter the unintentionally gay hall of fame:

“You want my body. . I will unleash the demon inside of you. . . . . . . . . .   I’ll take you both on, but I know I won’t last long.”

There were more too, things that the original Japanese language track couldn’t have saved, the complete lack of quality fight sequences being the worst offender, there were only really two hand to hand combat sequences in the whole film, the first being the opening sequence between Nina and Anna which ultimately led nowhere and the second being a 3 way free for all fought by Jin, Kazuya and Heihachi which between the frenetic pace, the unnecessary over-editing and the poorly implemented 3D was so visually confusing that it became joyless. The other action sequences were dominated by the jet boosted android antics of Alyssa and a bafflingly out of place “Epic” showdown between Jin and Kazuya in their devil forms. All punctuated by what I could only assume to be a wildly misplaced Godzilla homage.

No this isn’t the Tekken movie fans were hoping for, this was an exercise in the worst kind of Shojo Manga high-school melodrama with the tiniest of glimpses at what could have been an enjoyable actioner. Unbelievably coming from the people that built the game on which it’s based Tekken Blood Vengeance missed the point in grand fashion. Thankfully you need not worry about avoiding it as it won’t be released again until November but if you wanted to know whether or not to look forward to it? you have your answer.

If you want to watch a film that actually succeeds at being a Martial Arts movie in this day and age, check out Undisputed III

-Expatriategamer

A man from another time, Duke Nukem Forever

First things first, there was no way this was ever going to live up to the hype, we all knew that and I like to hope most had tempered their expectations accordingly, some things however cannot be attributed to unrealistic expectations.

Duke Nukem Forever (abbr. DNF, often used to shorten Did Not Finish, no irony lost on me there.) could have and damn well should have been a fun and funny, self deprecating, nostalgic romp to gaming’s storied past, as vapid but enjoyable as The Expendables. Had DNF been developed in the last couple of years, that may well have been the case. However having now played portions of the game on both 360 and PC, I assure you it’s just the opposite.

Like an old man at the most popular club in town trying to pick up young girls with the same come-ons he was using in 1981, DNF is out of it’s league. There are many things wrong here but the most glaring is it’s opinion of itself. Unbelievably DNF actually takes itself too seriously. trying to walk the line between evoking the adolescent giggles of it’s past while still being offensive, all you end up with is interactive urination and triple, lactating alien breasts. . . yeah. . .

There really isn’t much more to say, Duke’s once memorable one liners have been reduced to a gimmick that is more embarrassing than it is funny, but awful as the setting and attitude may be, if the underlying game was good enough it would have likely served to lift those aspects out of the mire. As it is however, beyond a very fleeting glimpse of enjoyable action, the core game mechanics just don’t cut it, the shooting feels canned and awkward, your opponents wooden and threatless, the pacing. . . . non-existent, it’s as though the list of “Things the Fans wanted out of a Duke Nukem Sequel” somehow  got mixed up with “10 things not to put in your Action Game” everything from imposing “realistic” weapons restrictions (you can only carry two at a time) to a needlessly punishing underwater level.

I understand the impetus for finishing DNF but the whole project just screams: “Too many hands in the pot!” Gearbox Software and 3D Realms would have saved a lot of face had they let DNF die with dignity.

Duke Nukem is a man from another time and Duke Nukem Forever does nothing to soften his transition from 1996 to 2011

-Expatriategamer

Nemesis. The classic formula re-imagined.

As an aspiring artist and popular art devotee I will not hesitate to pick up an issue of something I have never read mid-arc just because it has a new artist, it’s this love of comic art that originally led me to Mark Millar and Steve McNiven’s Nemesis.